Book #23 Completed! ""Crash of the Titans: Greed, Hubris, the Fall of Merrill Lynch, and the Near Collapse of Bank of America" by Greg Farrell

This was a good book! Well, I guess we should backtrack since I never seem to get to the point right away. Back in the day when I worked at Jones, I can tell you my happiest days at work were when Wall Street was collapsing during 2008. See, I quite enjoy blood in the streets especially if it is not my blood. So when the investment banks like Merrill started falling like dominoes and then AIG took a dirt nap, I was ecstatic. Does not the misquoted ancient Chinese proverb go something like "may you live in interesting times"? These were definitely interesting times!

Oh and it is a complete study about the dysfunctional nature of some organizations and I am a five dollar whore for organizational behavior (cheap and easy). Without bad mouthing any organization in particular, I would highly suggest anyone who is considering working with or for Bank of America to read this book first. But it is not just me that is all "wow" about the book - Bloomberg named this one of the 30 best books about business (GRANTED Bloomberg was partially owned by Merrill Lynch before the wheels came off that train and they are always presented in a good light in the book so there MIGHT be a little bias however I would agree so maybe they are just right).

Oh, maybe you don't know what the hell I am talking about because you don't follow stuff like this. Well let me tell you! So you know when your dog could get a mortgage or credit card back in the middle of the last decade? Well that money they let fido had to come from somewhere and often where it came from was investment vehicles called "CDO's". A CDO (or also known as "Collateralized Debt Obligation" is a pool of mortgages or other loans. Some of the water in that pool is like Evian. Some is like toilet water. Most of it is like the average water out of your tap. The more Evian and less toilet water, the safer the investment is because the repayment of the underlying mortgages or loans is more expected and therefore the rate of return is lower. Well what happened is that these investment banks started with using mostly Evian and found out that the rates of return (because they were so safe) were low (lots of parentheses I know sorry - investment lesson: the lower the risk of losing your money, the lower the rate of return. The higher the risk of losing your shirt, the higher the expected return). ANYWAY, the investment banks soon started running out of Evian and were greedy so they started putting together these CDO's with mostly city water and more and more toilet water. Well, those are risky because it is more likely that Fido is going to default on his mortgage than Bill Gates right? Start writing risky paper and things are bound to go awry.

Well, Merrill Lynch was a good company but that was before Stan O'Neal, the former CEO that led Merrill to the wolves. He was a hard charger and really only thought about himself. All of his decisions were based on the premise of "how does this help or hurt me and my career". Lovely example of leadership. I would actually go as far as to say that it is the SUNY school of leadership but O'Neal did not go to SUNY (you get mad bonus points if you get this reference without assistance). During O'Neal's reign, he took a blind eye to the important job of oversight of his firm and let the head of his fixed income area (which would handle CDO's) amass what was known as the Voldemort Book. The reference is to Harry Potter but that is what they called it. It was a secret portfolio of high risk CDO's (called CDO^2) that were a bit outside the compliance department. Well, that book of business was to the wonderful tune of oh, about 30 billion dollars. Quickly the floor fell out of the housing market and people started in droves to default on their mortgages and as such, these investments lost a majority of their value.

Now I could explain how this is problematic but the important point here is that it was bad for Merrill as a publicly traded company. They needed to raise capital and fast. Now there are two ways really to do this - sell more stock or get a business partner. Well, by now the board of directors at Merrill had enough of Stan and kicked him to the curb (after he pocketed something like 183 million dollar severance package) and brought in John Thain of the NYSE fame. Thain also was all about himself but he was a smart man and when the situation (aka losses) from the CDO's started to spiral out of control, he sold the soul of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America for some magic beans.

Now BofA came in and it was fun times! I will say that Bank of America has a very interesting HR department! Imagine being a executive with the bank and being followed all day/every day by a shadow from HR. Would that not be nice and comforting!

Anyway, I am not giving all of it away - you will have to go read it for yourself but it is a great book about Wall Street and Organizational Behavior. I give it:

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vroom" (4 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #22 Completed! "Things I have Learned From Women Who Have Dumped Me" edited by Ben Karlin

So really is the cover of the book a picture of a penguin? Well no of course not! In preparing for this critique I realized that the cover of the book had an obvious picture of an adult toy on it so I figured I would make a substitution for the sake of all my young readers (like "none" I am sure but I still am thoughtful). But why a penguin? Well, a couple of reasons:

• They are damn good eats! Kind of like Kobe beef but they taste like chicken
• I always wanted one as a pet. I mean really, you would have to turn people away from being your friend if you had a penguin for a pet because everyone would want to be sociable with you
• I had a teacher in 10th grade (Mr. Dust) who was a cooky kind of fellow that I liked a lot and whenever he had to draw something on the board, it was a penguin because that was all he knew how to draw. This made teaching Honors US History a challenge but he did well at it (plus he did not linger on the stupid Revolutionary War)
• Oh and I think those penguins from the cartoon movie "Madagascar" are awesome. So much so they make up for David Schwimmer being a voice actor in the movie

Anyway, enjoy the penguin.

I was drawn to this book because I think it is a marvelous concept. A boy can really learn a lot from the s**t he did wrong in past relationships and apply that knowledge to the future (for good or evil depending on your mood). It is a collection of short stories written by comedians about how they train wrecked their previous relationships and the lessons learned from them. Some of the authors are Andy Richter from the Conan O'Brien show, Another Andy guy from SNL, Steven Colbert (who has the one of the funniest letters in the whole book btw and I have never even seen his show), and some other people that I probably should know but don't. A lot has to do with the lessons the guys learned after they got dumped in either the areas of why they got dumped and what they should have done to avoid that or how they dealt with getting kicked to the curb. I can't say that I learned anything but it was funny and that's I guess a good thing???

I don't know - I really don't have much more to say about this one or about penguins so I guess we should do a review now huh?

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro (3 1/2 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #21 Completed! "The Beautiful and the Damned" by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ok - this pains me a bit but I have to recant something first....

If you have been following my blog (the whole two of you) - you will remember back in the beginning that there was a huge rant about how libraries should be shut down because they were a drain on society. Well, I might have been a little wrong about this. See, I was told about this service that the Phoenix library system has where you can check out audiobooks or books that will play on your Nook and the only qualification is that you have to have a library card from Phoenix or one of the surrounding cities. So I checked it out and it is pretty awesome (and free which is the only thing that makes it awesome but that is good enough to make the whole situation awesome if you are following). Anyway, knowing that I used to have a library card, I stopped by the library last week to see about getting a replacement. Here is a bullet pointed summary of my experience:

• 1 homeless guy (with a shopping cart) sitting right by the front door smoking (he HAD to have bummed that cigarette because they are like 9 dollars a pack now unless you go to the reservation and his outfit did not scream "mode of transportation")
• 6 Mormon missionaries using the free computers (You can tell because they all wear short sleeve white dress shirts and name tags - though I don't know why they wear name tags because it's obvious who they are and I don't even know what store one can go into anymore to buy a white short sleeve dress shirt) probably surfing porn
  
• 25 really old people using the other computers (I checked the parking lot for the bus from the old folks home but I think the driver went to the strip club while the elderly used the library computers to google the "good old days" or porn)
  
• 2 very obvious drug dealers (I mean they were either drug dealers or killers for a gang and I am giving them the benefit of the doubt)

So I asked the nice library lady to give me a new card and OMG they charge 2 dollars for a replacement - even though I have not used it in like 7 years. WTF do I sometimes pay taxes for??? Oh, and they sure are like blockbuster as I guessed since she nailed me for late fees from 2004! Jerks!

Regardless, I fixed all that and paid them their blood money. Now I can check out all the audio and ebooks that I want and review them here - aren't you happy!

So the book is "The Beautiful and the Damned" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This is the second book Fitzgerald wrote and it came out in 1922. The main character is Anthony Patch, a Harvard grad who is living the easy life in New York City. A trust fund baby if you will as he does not have any semblance of a real job but rather lives off the income of a small trust fund. His basic goal in life is to lay about and do nothing but drink and make out with girls all the while waiting for his uber rich grandfather to die so he can inherit the family fortune (as he is said grandfather's closest living relative). So Anthony goes about the business of doing nothing and meets this girl named Gloria. Gloria is beautiful and like most very attractive people, she is afflicted by the knowledge that she is good looking and uses that to get whatever she wants. Outside of her beauty, she is vapid and a complete bore (to me as a reader - Anthony is smitten with her). So of course he likes her and she is fairly disinterested. Well, he woos her and they end up together. At this point I have to say that I doubt her intentions because she is supposedly an "A" and Anthony is like a "B" however Anthony is the heir to his grandfathers 40 million dollar fortune. I'm just saying that it might not have been "love" per se but rather another of the seven deadly sins that was motivating her.

Anyway, they get hitched and still do nothing. Well, nothing as in work - they go out with their friends and party. They drink and spend money and drink some more and spend some more money. They find a summer home somewhere not in New York City and stay there and drink and party and spend money. And then they spend some more money and drink some more. Well, unfortunately - gramps comes a vistin' one day during one of their benders and is not pleased because he is a reformer and big believer in clean living and all that stuff. Andrew and Gloria become concerned for their future inheritance that they seem to be already spending. They get back to New York and realize that their money is running out quicker than they had planned. They still however continue to drink and socialize. The old man kicks and guess what - Anthony has been left out of the will. The situation turns worser (because that's a real word per my declaration). World War I is going on and Anthony applied to be an officer but is turned down due to high blood pressure however he is well enough to be drafted into the army as a private (great luck there buddy!). He goes away. All the while, Anthony and Gloria are doing two things - suing the estate of the grandfather for being unlawfully written out of the will and growing farther apart (which I blame partly on Anthony being a boozer and Gloria being a greedy bitch). Anthony is sent to the South for boot camp. Of course he meets some townie and becomes smitten with her. It is unclear whether or not Anthony actually put his gun in that holster however it is implied and he was totally playing with that girls feelings. Back in New York, Gloria is really just doing nothing but hanging out. She gets put in some awkward situations but all in all she is oddly the moral one at this point. They keep losing lawsuits about the inheritance and they get progressively more depressed and unattractive as individuals.

The war ends and Anthony comes home. They are are poorer than before and still lazy ass is not working. Prohibition has started and though you can get booze, it is more expensive - which does not stop him from drinking of course. He goes out to find work and tries his hand at door to door sales. This is an epic failure because he has to get drunk to knock on doors. He quits that job after two days. It seems they have hit a new low where they don't love each other, they have no money, their friends have all left them, and they are just miserable. But it gets worse!

On the day that they are supposed to find out the appellate court ruling on the case of the estate, the hillbilly chick shows up at Anthony's door proclaiming her ever lasting love for him. He loses his mind and I think beats the crap out of her. It is alluded to but not explicit. Anyway, Gloria is not home because she went to the court to see the judgement. She comes home to find that Anthony has had a complete mental breakdown and is like a drooling child now. Well, the kick in the Y is that the appellate court ruled in their favor and they are richer than all get out now. Maybe you should have gotten a JOB Anthony!

Otherwise I liked the book. Not the best work of Fitzgerald but not the worst. I say we give it:

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom" (3/5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #20 Completed! "The Political Brain: the Role of Emotion in Deciding the Fate of the Nation" by Drew Westen

Ocean Moon. Just remember those words. Ocean Moon. I will get to why in a bit....

So the first thing they teach you in grad school is "pay your tuition bill". The second, I seem to remember, is that when you write something academically that you are supposed to acknowledge your personal biases in your writing so the reader can use that information as a filter when they are reviewing your work. Westen is a psychiatrist that studies political science and what his research is centered around is why people vote/elect the people that they do. In reading the synopsis of the book I thought that this would be very interesting because I like psychology (mainly deviants and crazy people because they are fun), political science, and just being a knowledge whore (as my cousin Mike so eloquently described me as once). So starting the book, Westen uses a great deal of examples of various presidential campaigns to show what the right thing to say was and what the wrong thing to say happened to be. It is heavy on examples of the Bush/Gore 2000 campaign - mainly because it was one if not the most contested election in the history of the country and that it was very recent to the writing of the book (2006). So as the book progresses, Westen tells a lot about the mistakes the democratic party has done over the last - oh 30 years or so - in very winnable elections but ended up on the losing side of the ledger. He goes on and on about this but the framing of his story becomes more and more anti-republican party (which is fine I guess if that is the way he feels about it). But here is the thing, he's an academic and does not admit that he is a lifelong democrat until the middle of the book and if you did not know that by then, well you were just not reading.

Oh, before I forget: Name a laundry detergent. First one that comes to your head. Hold on to that for a second.

So Westen beats up the Republican party and I am not sure if it was just his ever loving hatred of the philosophies of GOP or he is over leveraging his examples. That being said, he does give them credit (in almost a jealous tone) for doing things the right way when it comes to getting people elected. The party has a unified message that most people can recite (conservative, pro-life, strong military, tax cuts, smaller government, etc) and the democrats really don't have a good sticky message that resonates with voters across the country. The democratic party relies to much on logic and well thought out arguments for their positions and fails to capture the imagination and subsequent interest of the American people. It is odd how foreshadowing the book is for it was written 2 years before the Obama/McCain election of 2008 where President Obama did almost exactly what Westen mentioned as keys to success in getting elected if you are a democrat.

Oh did you pick "tide"? Why did you say that do you think?

It is probably because by my mentioning the words "ocean" and "moon", I primed you for that answer. This priming of thoughts and concepts goes on in all political ad's now and it is very effective in swaying people's opinions about candidates. What gets you elected is not the 30% who are Republican's or the 30% that are Democrats - it is the 40% of the undecideds and how much of their attention you can garner.

Anyway, I will not bore you with my nerding on about this subject. The book is well written and makes a great deal of sense however I feel that it might not be everyone's cup of tea. As such, I give this book:

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro" (3 1/2 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #19 Completed! "Nemesis: The Final Case of Eliot Ness" by William Bernhardt

Cleveland, Ohio
1935

The United States is in the grips of the worst economic downturn since, well...since you went forward in time and saw the economy of 2010. Unemployment is rampant (around 20%) and all one can see is the poor and disenchanted...Oh wait, that might just be a "Cleveland" thing because it is always like that there. Anyway, things suck. One of the outcroppings of the great depression is the rise of shanty towns in large metropolitan areas - usually near or around rail depots where people come in and out of towns (via boxcars) looking for a better life. While they seek gainful employment, many of these individuals live in cardboard boxes or rudimentary shacks, clustered together for support and - well that is just what bums do I guess. Cleveland has their own shanty town at this time full of the downtrodden and poor in spirit. Not helping matters is the "torso killer". This unknown serial killer is kidnapping these poor people and beheading them with a fireman's axe, then cutting off their limbs and disposing of the bodies in the various water ways in and around Cleveland. The city is in shock and turmoil. They turn to the only man they think that can save them, Eliot Ness.

Yes, that Eliot Ness. After Al Capone was put in jail for tax evasion, Ness continued his crusading ways enforcing the Volstead Act (Prohibition for the rest of you). When the Volstead Act was repealed in 1933 by the Blaine Act - Ness was then sent to work on cases involving the illegal importation of alcohol from Canada and moonshine/bathtub gin - all of which was avoiding the control and taxation of the federal government. What Ness really wanted to do was join the FBI however J. Edgar Hoover blocked his application from proceeding due in large part to the fact that Hoover did not want anyone who would get more or better press coverage than he did. So Ness languished in his post in the Cleveland field office until the mayor, trying to garner some positive political cache, offers Ness the position of safety coordinator - a position that is essentially in charge of the police, fire, and public works departments. Ness sees this as an opportunity to shine and takes the job. Problem is, his first big challenge is the torso murderer and this is something completely out of his realm. He is used to knowing who the bad guy is and trying to find ways to catch them when they slip up. He is clueless when it comes to finding the unsub (unknown suspect).

The torso murderer toys with Ness and the rest of the police for the better part of two years. Over that time, he kills at least 12 people. Public excitement for the hiring of Ness slowly turns into public outcry and rage and the seemingly lack of progress in catching the killer. I say seemingly because Ness and his detectives do find a viable suspect who does turn out to be the serial killer except he is already committed to a institution for the insane and his cousin happens to be a congressman who has had many run in's with Ness over the last few years. Needless to say, Ness is frustrated and beaten down by this experience and unlike Capone, the killer never does really face justice for his crimes.

After the torso murderer is transferred to a more secure crazy hospital, Ness's life falls apart. His wife, who was so loving and understanding in the movie with Kevin Costner, is quite fed up with his being gone all the time stuff and kicks him to the curb. He gets a special appointment with the army and goes around for several years teaching soldiers about the dangers of VD (what a job!). By the end of his life, he is on to his third wife - a penniless shell of the man he once was.

This book is historical fiction I would guess. The torso murderer was a true story and so was Ness's involvement with the case. In real life records, the torso murderer was never caught however the author did a great deal of research on this book and based on information that was gathered - it was quite plausible that Ness did know who the killer was but could not put him behind bars because of the killer's political connections.

It is quite a good book if you like mass murderers, history, or you just hate Cleveland. As such, I give this book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro (3 1/2 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #18 Completed! "The Last Tycoon" by F. Scott Fitzgerald

If you have been reading my blog, you know that F. Scott Fitzgerald is one of my role models so I fear this review is going to pain me significantly....

Oh, by the way - thank you to everyone for your birthday wishes. I really do appreciate it!

Fitzgerald - yes that is where we were before I got off track. "The Last Tycoon" was published after Fitzgerald's death in 1940. It would have been his fifth novel - if he would have had the courtesy of finishing it before he died. The book was approximately half finished when Fitzgerald had a massive heart attack and died. He left that half finished part and his outline and notes for the rest of the book, which was compiled by his friend and published in 1941.

I personally think he would have edited it a bit more because the completed part is jumpy and does not follow well. It starts off by introducing the character of Cecelia, the daughter of a Hollywood movie executive who is on her way home to Los Angeles from college on the East Coast. On the plane ride, she runs into some gentlemen who work for her father - Pat Brady. They talk and whatnot but the point of that scene in the book is to begin to introduce the protagonist of the story: Monroe Stahr. Stahr (as everyone calls him) is a mogul in the movie industry and is considered one of the best in the business. He is single, mainly because he lives only for his work. Cecelia is smitten with him but because Pat works with him, he does not get on that bus right away. Stahr instead falls madly in lust with another character in the story: Kathleen Moore. Kathleen is mysterious and not all gaga over Stahr, which makes her more attractive to him. He does get on that bus however after only a spin or two around the block, he gets kicked off said bus because the bus is already promised to another passenger (if you understand my convoluted illusions you deserve a prize). Then the book ends.

So the whole 17 or so chapters is just character development. We know that Stahr is an important person but we don't know how important and even if he is "the last tycoon". From Fitzgerald's notes - which the remaining plot summary and outline accompany the book - it is determined that he does get on the Cecelia bus for awhile but gets off because he misses the old bus. Him and Pat have a falling out and murder plots are hatched. Stahr, flying across country decides that he is being childish and decides to call off the hit he has put on Pat when they land however that flight ends in cartwheels and tears.

So a whole lot of character development and really nothing after that. Kind of like a bad high school date. I know that my Princeton guy Fitzgerald would have written an awesome book had he not so selfishly died before it was done. However, I do have an obligation as a...serious journalist....to evaluate his work based on what is written and not on what I think he would have written. As such, "The Last Tycoon" earns:

On no, I ran out of gas! (a somewhat b*****it rating on my motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #17 Completed! "The Financial Life of the Poets" by Jess Walter

Ok I agree - a bit of a weird choice. This is a book that I kept seeing again and again during the madcap Christmas shopping season (aka August - December 24th each year). I kept picking it up and looking at it and saying "oh Hell this looks boring" and putting it back down. Yet, I kept coming back to it. So I finally broke down and decided to read (listen) this book.

So....I guess I'll start off by asking a question: "Say you are a newspaper reporter. What is the one thing you can do that will 100% guarantee to eff up your life?"

Still thinking????

Nope, wrong. Try again...

Ok give up? I thought you might. The one thing you can do in order to guarantee that you are going to screw up your life is leave your cushy newspaper writer job and start a website that provides financial advice in the form of poetry. Yup that's what I said - financial advice in the form of poetry. I would have also accepted "just being a newspaper reporter" alone since it is a dying industry. Seriously, who the hell comes up with that idea as a way to make money? But that is exactly what Matthew Prior does. He leaves his newspaper job in order to run this start up website and of course, this occurs during the time where your dog could have gotten approved for a home loan so he and his wife way over-leverage the excess equity in their house, you know - thinking that everything will work out and houses never go down in value....

Fast forward to the present day. Matthew is out of work. His website never got off the ground. He went back to the newspaper only to get laid off six months later. He has a huge (30k +) balloon payment coming due on his house or they will get evicted. His wife has taken up a online romance with an old high school flame, and his father lives with them because he has dementia. Sounds like fun times!

So one night, Matthew treks out to the local 7-11 to pick up milk and he runs into two teenager-ish individuals who offer to share their pot with him. Of course he accepts (this guy is the king of bad decisions). Then he drives them to a party and they quickly become awesome pot smoking friends. Well, Matthew then comes up with this half-baked (haha) plan to save his home by becoming a pot dealer and selling to all his friends and old co-workers.

Of course, Matthew has the worst luck in the world it would seem and he gets busted. The cops want him to work undercover to nab the growers in the operation. He reluctantly agrees because he does not want to get in more trouble with his spouse. Of course, he can't do that right either because now this mid-40's man is friends with these 20 year old drug dealers and he cannot rat out his friends.

So hillarity ensues and the cops find out that he double crossed them so he goes to jail, his wife leaves him for the high school sweetheart, his kids resent him, his father gets put in a nursing home, their house gets repo'ed, and he loses his car in bankruptcy. In the end, he is living in an apartment at the bachelor arms taking the bus around feeling sorry and also oddly hopeful for himself.

People like this book. I found it ok at best. I cannot say I learned anything from it so that is a minus. The author did use the "f" word a lot so that was a bonus and I give him "mad props" for doing his own audio for the book (or maybe I shouldn't and that should have been a case of foreshadowing, I don't know). Anyway, I am feeling benevolent since my birthday is tomorrow so I will give this book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom (3 of 5 "vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)