Book #23 Completed! ""Crash of the Titans: Greed, Hubris, the Fall of Merrill Lynch, and the Near Collapse of Bank of America" by Greg Farrell

This was a good book! Well, I guess we should backtrack since I never seem to get to the point right away. Back in the day when I worked at Jones, I can tell you my happiest days at work were when Wall Street was collapsing during 2008. See, I quite enjoy blood in the streets especially if it is not my blood. So when the investment banks like Merrill started falling like dominoes and then AIG took a dirt nap, I was ecstatic. Does not the misquoted ancient Chinese proverb go something like "may you live in interesting times"? These were definitely interesting times!

Oh and it is a complete study about the dysfunctional nature of some organizations and I am a five dollar whore for organizational behavior (cheap and easy). Without bad mouthing any organization in particular, I would highly suggest anyone who is considering working with or for Bank of America to read this book first. But it is not just me that is all "wow" about the book - Bloomberg named this one of the 30 best books about business (GRANTED Bloomberg was partially owned by Merrill Lynch before the wheels came off that train and they are always presented in a good light in the book so there MIGHT be a little bias however I would agree so maybe they are just right).

Oh, maybe you don't know what the hell I am talking about because you don't follow stuff like this. Well let me tell you! So you know when your dog could get a mortgage or credit card back in the middle of the last decade? Well that money they let fido had to come from somewhere and often where it came from was investment vehicles called "CDO's". A CDO (or also known as "Collateralized Debt Obligation" is a pool of mortgages or other loans. Some of the water in that pool is like Evian. Some is like toilet water. Most of it is like the average water out of your tap. The more Evian and less toilet water, the safer the investment is because the repayment of the underlying mortgages or loans is more expected and therefore the rate of return is lower. Well what happened is that these investment banks started with using mostly Evian and found out that the rates of return (because they were so safe) were low (lots of parentheses I know sorry - investment lesson: the lower the risk of losing your money, the lower the rate of return. The higher the risk of losing your shirt, the higher the expected return). ANYWAY, the investment banks soon started running out of Evian and were greedy so they started putting together these CDO's with mostly city water and more and more toilet water. Well, those are risky because it is more likely that Fido is going to default on his mortgage than Bill Gates right? Start writing risky paper and things are bound to go awry.

Well, Merrill Lynch was a good company but that was before Stan O'Neal, the former CEO that led Merrill to the wolves. He was a hard charger and really only thought about himself. All of his decisions were based on the premise of "how does this help or hurt me and my career". Lovely example of leadership. I would actually go as far as to say that it is the SUNY school of leadership but O'Neal did not go to SUNY (you get mad bonus points if you get this reference without assistance). During O'Neal's reign, he took a blind eye to the important job of oversight of his firm and let the head of his fixed income area (which would handle CDO's) amass what was known as the Voldemort Book. The reference is to Harry Potter but that is what they called it. It was a secret portfolio of high risk CDO's (called CDO^2) that were a bit outside the compliance department. Well, that book of business was to the wonderful tune of oh, about 30 billion dollars. Quickly the floor fell out of the housing market and people started in droves to default on their mortgages and as such, these investments lost a majority of their value.

Now I could explain how this is problematic but the important point here is that it was bad for Merrill as a publicly traded company. They needed to raise capital and fast. Now there are two ways really to do this - sell more stock or get a business partner. Well, by now the board of directors at Merrill had enough of Stan and kicked him to the curb (after he pocketed something like 183 million dollar severance package) and brought in John Thain of the NYSE fame. Thain also was all about himself but he was a smart man and when the situation (aka losses) from the CDO's started to spiral out of control, he sold the soul of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America for some magic beans.

Now BofA came in and it was fun times! I will say that Bank of America has a very interesting HR department! Imagine being a executive with the bank and being followed all day/every day by a shadow from HR. Would that not be nice and comforting!

Anyway, I am not giving all of it away - you will have to go read it for yourself but it is a great book about Wall Street and Organizational Behavior. I give it:

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vroom" (4 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #22 Completed! "Things I have Learned From Women Who Have Dumped Me" edited by Ben Karlin

So really is the cover of the book a picture of a penguin? Well no of course not! In preparing for this critique I realized that the cover of the book had an obvious picture of an adult toy on it so I figured I would make a substitution for the sake of all my young readers (like "none" I am sure but I still am thoughtful). But why a penguin? Well, a couple of reasons:

• They are damn good eats! Kind of like Kobe beef but they taste like chicken
• I always wanted one as a pet. I mean really, you would have to turn people away from being your friend if you had a penguin for a pet because everyone would want to be sociable with you
• I had a teacher in 10th grade (Mr. Dust) who was a cooky kind of fellow that I liked a lot and whenever he had to draw something on the board, it was a penguin because that was all he knew how to draw. This made teaching Honors US History a challenge but he did well at it (plus he did not linger on the stupid Revolutionary War)
• Oh and I think those penguins from the cartoon movie "Madagascar" are awesome. So much so they make up for David Schwimmer being a voice actor in the movie

Anyway, enjoy the penguin.

I was drawn to this book because I think it is a marvelous concept. A boy can really learn a lot from the s**t he did wrong in past relationships and apply that knowledge to the future (for good or evil depending on your mood). It is a collection of short stories written by comedians about how they train wrecked their previous relationships and the lessons learned from them. Some of the authors are Andy Richter from the Conan O'Brien show, Another Andy guy from SNL, Steven Colbert (who has the one of the funniest letters in the whole book btw and I have never even seen his show), and some other people that I probably should know but don't. A lot has to do with the lessons the guys learned after they got dumped in either the areas of why they got dumped and what they should have done to avoid that or how they dealt with getting kicked to the curb. I can't say that I learned anything but it was funny and that's I guess a good thing???

I don't know - I really don't have much more to say about this one or about penguins so I guess we should do a review now huh?

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro (3 1/2 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #21 Completed! "The Beautiful and the Damned" by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ok - this pains me a bit but I have to recant something first....

If you have been following my blog (the whole two of you) - you will remember back in the beginning that there was a huge rant about how libraries should be shut down because they were a drain on society. Well, I might have been a little wrong about this. See, I was told about this service that the Phoenix library system has where you can check out audiobooks or books that will play on your Nook and the only qualification is that you have to have a library card from Phoenix or one of the surrounding cities. So I checked it out and it is pretty awesome (and free which is the only thing that makes it awesome but that is good enough to make the whole situation awesome if you are following). Anyway, knowing that I used to have a library card, I stopped by the library last week to see about getting a replacement. Here is a bullet pointed summary of my experience:

• 1 homeless guy (with a shopping cart) sitting right by the front door smoking (he HAD to have bummed that cigarette because they are like 9 dollars a pack now unless you go to the reservation and his outfit did not scream "mode of transportation")
• 6 Mormon missionaries using the free computers (You can tell because they all wear short sleeve white dress shirts and name tags - though I don't know why they wear name tags because it's obvious who they are and I don't even know what store one can go into anymore to buy a white short sleeve dress shirt) probably surfing porn
  
• 25 really old people using the other computers (I checked the parking lot for the bus from the old folks home but I think the driver went to the strip club while the elderly used the library computers to google the "good old days" or porn)
  
• 2 very obvious drug dealers (I mean they were either drug dealers or killers for a gang and I am giving them the benefit of the doubt)

So I asked the nice library lady to give me a new card and OMG they charge 2 dollars for a replacement - even though I have not used it in like 7 years. WTF do I sometimes pay taxes for??? Oh, and they sure are like blockbuster as I guessed since she nailed me for late fees from 2004! Jerks!

Regardless, I fixed all that and paid them their blood money. Now I can check out all the audio and ebooks that I want and review them here - aren't you happy!

So the book is "The Beautiful and the Damned" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This is the second book Fitzgerald wrote and it came out in 1922. The main character is Anthony Patch, a Harvard grad who is living the easy life in New York City. A trust fund baby if you will as he does not have any semblance of a real job but rather lives off the income of a small trust fund. His basic goal in life is to lay about and do nothing but drink and make out with girls all the while waiting for his uber rich grandfather to die so he can inherit the family fortune (as he is said grandfather's closest living relative). So Anthony goes about the business of doing nothing and meets this girl named Gloria. Gloria is beautiful and like most very attractive people, she is afflicted by the knowledge that she is good looking and uses that to get whatever she wants. Outside of her beauty, she is vapid and a complete bore (to me as a reader - Anthony is smitten with her). So of course he likes her and she is fairly disinterested. Well, he woos her and they end up together. At this point I have to say that I doubt her intentions because she is supposedly an "A" and Anthony is like a "B" however Anthony is the heir to his grandfathers 40 million dollar fortune. I'm just saying that it might not have been "love" per se but rather another of the seven deadly sins that was motivating her.

Anyway, they get hitched and still do nothing. Well, nothing as in work - they go out with their friends and party. They drink and spend money and drink some more and spend some more money. They find a summer home somewhere not in New York City and stay there and drink and party and spend money. And then they spend some more money and drink some more. Well, unfortunately - gramps comes a vistin' one day during one of their benders and is not pleased because he is a reformer and big believer in clean living and all that stuff. Andrew and Gloria become concerned for their future inheritance that they seem to be already spending. They get back to New York and realize that their money is running out quicker than they had planned. They still however continue to drink and socialize. The old man kicks and guess what - Anthony has been left out of the will. The situation turns worser (because that's a real word per my declaration). World War I is going on and Anthony applied to be an officer but is turned down due to high blood pressure however he is well enough to be drafted into the army as a private (great luck there buddy!). He goes away. All the while, Anthony and Gloria are doing two things - suing the estate of the grandfather for being unlawfully written out of the will and growing farther apart (which I blame partly on Anthony being a boozer and Gloria being a greedy bitch). Anthony is sent to the South for boot camp. Of course he meets some townie and becomes smitten with her. It is unclear whether or not Anthony actually put his gun in that holster however it is implied and he was totally playing with that girls feelings. Back in New York, Gloria is really just doing nothing but hanging out. She gets put in some awkward situations but all in all she is oddly the moral one at this point. They keep losing lawsuits about the inheritance and they get progressively more depressed and unattractive as individuals.

The war ends and Anthony comes home. They are are poorer than before and still lazy ass is not working. Prohibition has started and though you can get booze, it is more expensive - which does not stop him from drinking of course. He goes out to find work and tries his hand at door to door sales. This is an epic failure because he has to get drunk to knock on doors. He quits that job after two days. It seems they have hit a new low where they don't love each other, they have no money, their friends have all left them, and they are just miserable. But it gets worse!

On the day that they are supposed to find out the appellate court ruling on the case of the estate, the hillbilly chick shows up at Anthony's door proclaiming her ever lasting love for him. He loses his mind and I think beats the crap out of her. It is alluded to but not explicit. Anyway, Gloria is not home because she went to the court to see the judgement. She comes home to find that Anthony has had a complete mental breakdown and is like a drooling child now. Well, the kick in the Y is that the appellate court ruled in their favor and they are richer than all get out now. Maybe you should have gotten a JOB Anthony!

Otherwise I liked the book. Not the best work of Fitzgerald but not the worst. I say we give it:

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom" (3/5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #20 Completed! "The Political Brain: the Role of Emotion in Deciding the Fate of the Nation" by Drew Westen

Ocean Moon. Just remember those words. Ocean Moon. I will get to why in a bit....

So the first thing they teach you in grad school is "pay your tuition bill". The second, I seem to remember, is that when you write something academically that you are supposed to acknowledge your personal biases in your writing so the reader can use that information as a filter when they are reviewing your work. Westen is a psychiatrist that studies political science and what his research is centered around is why people vote/elect the people that they do. In reading the synopsis of the book I thought that this would be very interesting because I like psychology (mainly deviants and crazy people because they are fun), political science, and just being a knowledge whore (as my cousin Mike so eloquently described me as once). So starting the book, Westen uses a great deal of examples of various presidential campaigns to show what the right thing to say was and what the wrong thing to say happened to be. It is heavy on examples of the Bush/Gore 2000 campaign - mainly because it was one if not the most contested election in the history of the country and that it was very recent to the writing of the book (2006). So as the book progresses, Westen tells a lot about the mistakes the democratic party has done over the last - oh 30 years or so - in very winnable elections but ended up on the losing side of the ledger. He goes on and on about this but the framing of his story becomes more and more anti-republican party (which is fine I guess if that is the way he feels about it). But here is the thing, he's an academic and does not admit that he is a lifelong democrat until the middle of the book and if you did not know that by then, well you were just not reading.

Oh, before I forget: Name a laundry detergent. First one that comes to your head. Hold on to that for a second.

So Westen beats up the Republican party and I am not sure if it was just his ever loving hatred of the philosophies of GOP or he is over leveraging his examples. That being said, he does give them credit (in almost a jealous tone) for doing things the right way when it comes to getting people elected. The party has a unified message that most people can recite (conservative, pro-life, strong military, tax cuts, smaller government, etc) and the democrats really don't have a good sticky message that resonates with voters across the country. The democratic party relies to much on logic and well thought out arguments for their positions and fails to capture the imagination and subsequent interest of the American people. It is odd how foreshadowing the book is for it was written 2 years before the Obama/McCain election of 2008 where President Obama did almost exactly what Westen mentioned as keys to success in getting elected if you are a democrat.

Oh did you pick "tide"? Why did you say that do you think?

It is probably because by my mentioning the words "ocean" and "moon", I primed you for that answer. This priming of thoughts and concepts goes on in all political ad's now and it is very effective in swaying people's opinions about candidates. What gets you elected is not the 30% who are Republican's or the 30% that are Democrats - it is the 40% of the undecideds and how much of their attention you can garner.

Anyway, I will not bore you with my nerding on about this subject. The book is well written and makes a great deal of sense however I feel that it might not be everyone's cup of tea. As such, I give this book:

"Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro" (3 1/2 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #19 Completed! "Nemesis: The Final Case of Eliot Ness" by William Bernhardt

Cleveland, Ohio
1935

The United States is in the grips of the worst economic downturn since, well...since you went forward in time and saw the economy of 2010. Unemployment is rampant (around 20%) and all one can see is the poor and disenchanted...Oh wait, that might just be a "Cleveland" thing because it is always like that there. Anyway, things suck. One of the outcroppings of the great depression is the rise of shanty towns in large metropolitan areas - usually near or around rail depots where people come in and out of towns (via boxcars) looking for a better life. While they seek gainful employment, many of these individuals live in cardboard boxes or rudimentary shacks, clustered together for support and - well that is just what bums do I guess. Cleveland has their own shanty town at this time full of the downtrodden and poor in spirit. Not helping matters is the "torso killer". This unknown serial killer is kidnapping these poor people and beheading them with a fireman's axe, then cutting off their limbs and disposing of the bodies in the various water ways in and around Cleveland. The city is in shock and turmoil. They turn to the only man they think that can save them, Eliot Ness.

Yes, that Eliot Ness. After Al Capone was put in jail for tax evasion, Ness continued his crusading ways enforcing the Volstead Act (Prohibition for the rest of you). When the Volstead Act was repealed in 1933 by the Blaine Act - Ness was then sent to work on cases involving the illegal importation of alcohol from Canada and moonshine/bathtub gin - all of which was avoiding the control and taxation of the federal government. What Ness really wanted to do was join the FBI however J. Edgar Hoover blocked his application from proceeding due in large part to the fact that Hoover did not want anyone who would get more or better press coverage than he did. So Ness languished in his post in the Cleveland field office until the mayor, trying to garner some positive political cache, offers Ness the position of safety coordinator - a position that is essentially in charge of the police, fire, and public works departments. Ness sees this as an opportunity to shine and takes the job. Problem is, his first big challenge is the torso murderer and this is something completely out of his realm. He is used to knowing who the bad guy is and trying to find ways to catch them when they slip up. He is clueless when it comes to finding the unsub (unknown suspect).

The torso murderer toys with Ness and the rest of the police for the better part of two years. Over that time, he kills at least 12 people. Public excitement for the hiring of Ness slowly turns into public outcry and rage and the seemingly lack of progress in catching the killer. I say seemingly because Ness and his detectives do find a viable suspect who does turn out to be the serial killer except he is already committed to a institution for the insane and his cousin happens to be a congressman who has had many run in's with Ness over the last few years. Needless to say, Ness is frustrated and beaten down by this experience and unlike Capone, the killer never does really face justice for his crimes.

After the torso murderer is transferred to a more secure crazy hospital, Ness's life falls apart. His wife, who was so loving and understanding in the movie with Kevin Costner, is quite fed up with his being gone all the time stuff and kicks him to the curb. He gets a special appointment with the army and goes around for several years teaching soldiers about the dangers of VD (what a job!). By the end of his life, he is on to his third wife - a penniless shell of the man he once was.

This book is historical fiction I would guess. The torso murderer was a true story and so was Ness's involvement with the case. In real life records, the torso murderer was never caught however the author did a great deal of research on this book and based on information that was gathered - it was quite plausible that Ness did know who the killer was but could not put him behind bars because of the killer's political connections.

It is quite a good book if you like mass murderers, history, or you just hate Cleveland. As such, I give this book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro (3 1/2 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #18 Completed! "The Last Tycoon" by F. Scott Fitzgerald

If you have been reading my blog, you know that F. Scott Fitzgerald is one of my role models so I fear this review is going to pain me significantly....

Oh, by the way - thank you to everyone for your birthday wishes. I really do appreciate it!

Fitzgerald - yes that is where we were before I got off track. "The Last Tycoon" was published after Fitzgerald's death in 1940. It would have been his fifth novel - if he would have had the courtesy of finishing it before he died. The book was approximately half finished when Fitzgerald had a massive heart attack and died. He left that half finished part and his outline and notes for the rest of the book, which was compiled by his friend and published in 1941.

I personally think he would have edited it a bit more because the completed part is jumpy and does not follow well. It starts off by introducing the character of Cecelia, the daughter of a Hollywood movie executive who is on her way home to Los Angeles from college on the East Coast. On the plane ride, she runs into some gentlemen who work for her father - Pat Brady. They talk and whatnot but the point of that scene in the book is to begin to introduce the protagonist of the story: Monroe Stahr. Stahr (as everyone calls him) is a mogul in the movie industry and is considered one of the best in the business. He is single, mainly because he lives only for his work. Cecelia is smitten with him but because Pat works with him, he does not get on that bus right away. Stahr instead falls madly in lust with another character in the story: Kathleen Moore. Kathleen is mysterious and not all gaga over Stahr, which makes her more attractive to him. He does get on that bus however after only a spin or two around the block, he gets kicked off said bus because the bus is already promised to another passenger (if you understand my convoluted illusions you deserve a prize). Then the book ends.

So the whole 17 or so chapters is just character development. We know that Stahr is an important person but we don't know how important and even if he is "the last tycoon". From Fitzgerald's notes - which the remaining plot summary and outline accompany the book - it is determined that he does get on the Cecelia bus for awhile but gets off because he misses the old bus. Him and Pat have a falling out and murder plots are hatched. Stahr, flying across country decides that he is being childish and decides to call off the hit he has put on Pat when they land however that flight ends in cartwheels and tears.

So a whole lot of character development and really nothing after that. Kind of like a bad high school date. I know that my Princeton guy Fitzgerald would have written an awesome book had he not so selfishly died before it was done. However, I do have an obligation as a...serious journalist....to evaluate his work based on what is written and not on what I think he would have written. As such, "The Last Tycoon" earns:

On no, I ran out of gas! (a somewhat b*****it rating on my motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #17 Completed! "The Financial Life of the Poets" by Jess Walter

Ok I agree - a bit of a weird choice. This is a book that I kept seeing again and again during the madcap Christmas shopping season (aka August - December 24th each year). I kept picking it up and looking at it and saying "oh Hell this looks boring" and putting it back down. Yet, I kept coming back to it. So I finally broke down and decided to read (listen) this book.

So....I guess I'll start off by asking a question: "Say you are a newspaper reporter. What is the one thing you can do that will 100% guarantee to eff up your life?"

Still thinking????

Nope, wrong. Try again...

Ok give up? I thought you might. The one thing you can do in order to guarantee that you are going to screw up your life is leave your cushy newspaper writer job and start a website that provides financial advice in the form of poetry. Yup that's what I said - financial advice in the form of poetry. I would have also accepted "just being a newspaper reporter" alone since it is a dying industry. Seriously, who the hell comes up with that idea as a way to make money? But that is exactly what Matthew Prior does. He leaves his newspaper job in order to run this start up website and of course, this occurs during the time where your dog could have gotten approved for a home loan so he and his wife way over-leverage the excess equity in their house, you know - thinking that everything will work out and houses never go down in value....

Fast forward to the present day. Matthew is out of work. His website never got off the ground. He went back to the newspaper only to get laid off six months later. He has a huge (30k +) balloon payment coming due on his house or they will get evicted. His wife has taken up a online romance with an old high school flame, and his father lives with them because he has dementia. Sounds like fun times!

So one night, Matthew treks out to the local 7-11 to pick up milk and he runs into two teenager-ish individuals who offer to share their pot with him. Of course he accepts (this guy is the king of bad decisions). Then he drives them to a party and they quickly become awesome pot smoking friends. Well, Matthew then comes up with this half-baked (haha) plan to save his home by becoming a pot dealer and selling to all his friends and old co-workers.

Of course, Matthew has the worst luck in the world it would seem and he gets busted. The cops want him to work undercover to nab the growers in the operation. He reluctantly agrees because he does not want to get in more trouble with his spouse. Of course, he can't do that right either because now this mid-40's man is friends with these 20 year old drug dealers and he cannot rat out his friends.

So hillarity ensues and the cops find out that he double crossed them so he goes to jail, his wife leaves him for the high school sweetheart, his kids resent him, his father gets put in a nursing home, their house gets repo'ed, and he loses his car in bankruptcy. In the end, he is living in an apartment at the bachelor arms taking the bus around feeling sorry and also oddly hopeful for himself.

People like this book. I found it ok at best. I cannot say I learned anything from it so that is a minus. The author did use the "f" word a lot so that was a bonus and I give him "mad props" for doing his own audio for the book (or maybe I shouldn't and that should have been a case of foreshadowing, I don't know). Anyway, I am feeling benevolent since my birthday is tomorrow so I will give this book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom (3 of 5 "vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #16 Completed! "Tess of the D'Urbervilles" by Thomas Hardy

Well, what to say about this gem of literature......

I got nothing witty. The book is about this young farm maiden named Tess. Her father is a lazy drunk which makes him different than me by the "being her father" and "drunk" parts. It is set in England sometime in the latter half of the 19th century (meaning no cars so we get to hear about horses and carriages again). Anyway, Tess is this farm girl who is known for her beauty but not much else. Aforementioned father likes to hang out in bars, get drunk, and lament about the lot he drew in life and how his family was once a proud/noble family in England.

Anyway, they hear of this family down the road a ways that has a similar last name and Tess goes to meet them. Along the way she falls asleep at the wheel of the horse, crashes into a mail delivery wagon, and thus kills her family's horse. This just goes to show that you should never let teenagers drive. She goes home to their dirt farm to get beat by her parents or whatever and then takes what equates to a cab to this other family's house.

Or that is what I think happens because at this point I was zoning out on this piece of crap because stupid people bore me to death. Regardless, she gets out to this other family's house. Anyway, family is a blind mother and a creepy cousin (the actual relation is not perfectly established but for creepiness sake we will say they are related). Cousin offers her a job but Tess gets the vibe that she is going to get called into the bosses office a lot for some extra side work if you get my point. Instead she hits the bricks and goes back home. A lot of "oh woe is us" goes on and thus she takes up said job at creepy family's' house. Well, not too long after she is out on the town drinking and in going back home with her "cousin", she gets date raped by him.

Ok - of course she gets knocked up because, remember kids, it only takes once (or sitting on an unclean toilet seat or a magic bullet from the civil war or - and I sh*t you not.......well, I probably should not tell that story but it involved one of the dumbest questions I have ever heard a co-worker ask another co-worker but that was a long time ago - pre-internet and pre-common sense - I guess I could say that the answer was something to the effect that the "two systems are completely unconnected and regardless your stomach acid would kill anything" or something to that effect). Anyway, she has baby, baby is sick, baby dies. Tess runs off to a farm and becomes a milk-maid. Like milking cows just for clarification since I saw another direction once could go in once I typed that. She meets a boy. Her and boy flirt and said boy wants to marry her (again, this is before the days of automobiles and apparently the idea of the "test drive" was invented). Tess is smitten with boy but feels that she cannot marry him because of her scandalous past. He persists. She writes him a letter explaining why she cannot marry him and slips it under his door one morning. Said boy never mentions the letter and she assumes that he read it and does not care. On the day before their wedding she questions why he never mentioned the letter and goes up to his room to find that the letter ended up going under the carpet by the door so he never saw it. She gets panicky and tells him that there is something he should know before they are to be married and he brushes her off and tells her that they will confess all of their sins the next day.

So they get hitched and that night he confesses to her that he had spent two days whoring in London during his youth. She confesses that she had a child and it died. Apparently there is some double standard because he gets distant and removed from her at this news. They separate. She goes back to her parents shanty and he decides it would be a lovely idea to travel to Brazil to start a farm there. Anyway, she leaves parents house and goes to work on another farm while said husband is out in the rain forest. She does not hear from him. After a bit, she runs into previous mentioned cousin, who had no idea she had been pregnant and pushes for them to get married (really, I just don't know what the laws were back then). She resists but he browbeats her into going away with him. Said husband returns and he tracks them down in some other God forsaken town. She tells him that it is too late and he has been gone too long. He is discouraged. Tess changes her mind and her solution is to stab said cousin to death and run away with real husband. Of course, the law is looking for them so they are on the lamb. They end up at Stonehenge and the law catches up and arrests her.

Now, Tess - in a "WTF?" moment, tells husband that her younger sister has grown up to be a pretty hot girl and would it not be nice if they were to be friends and, well, if one thing led to another and they became "more than friends", then that would be delightful too because it would be like he was still with her. Really????

And then they kill Tess. Justice has been served. The end.

I would say that the only reason why you should read this book is if you are required to do so for school. Even if that were the case, I would highly recommend stealing from my blog and maybe some website with quotations from the book to throw your paper together because there are so many other/better things you could do with your time. As such:

Vroom (1 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #15 Completed! "American Wife" by Curtis Sittenfeld

So you are not supposed to judge a book by its cover right? Then why the Hell do they have cover art/pictures on them anyway? I picked this book by its cover and it worked out alright enough.

Oh wait, before I get into the book I had a story that went something like this:

So this is a true story, or at very least my account of it is true. So a few years (and one head coach ago), the ASU Sun Devil football team was faced with a pretty interesting competition for the starting quarterback job. Quarterback A and Quarterback B were pretty evenly matched during spring practice. QB A was a year older than QB B and most people thought based on just sheer experience that QB A would eventually win the job, based on his tenure. So it was surprising to many that there was no starting quarterback named after spring practice. So comes the summer and still no word from the head coach. Fall practice starts and the coach announces that the competition is still wide open. People are starting to panic now. Sports talk radio is blown up with people calling in complaining about the indecision of the head coach and his alleged incompetence in handling this situation. With a week to go before the start of the season, QB A is named the starting quarterback. Not 48 hours later, the head coach tells the media that he has changed his mind and the competition is still wide open. 24 hours after that, QB B is named the starting quarterback and shortly after that, QB A leaves the team for good. People are up in arms about how this played out. "OMG the head coach is a tool. He can't make a decision to save his life. The season is ruined" etc, etc, etc.

I have a friend who just so happens to know some of the people who are on the football team during this time. Not like scrubs but actual starters. So said friend tells me (and since I heard it from a friend it is purely conjecture so bear that in mind) that he asked his football team friends what happened with that whole QB A/QB B thing and this is what he was told: Many of the leaders on the team were pulling for QB B, not because he was the most gifted or gave them the best chance to win, but rather they were concerned about QB A. See, apparently QB A had a bit of a cocaine habit - purely recreational of course - and was kind of a stuck up prima donna. They also knew that QB A had approached them and some other students with the offer of SELLING them coke if they wanted to get some. Apparently he was working his way up from the consumer side of the business to the distribution side. Anyway, the team members kept it to themselves because they thought the coach would make the right decision on his own and just pick QB B. When he didn't, the leaders on the football team decided to have a meeting with the coach and let him know of their concerns. They did so and that is what lead to the change.

Now, none of the above paragraph was ever made public and the coach was crucified by the fans and the media when the season turned out to be mediocre at best. So much so, he was terminated at the end of the year.

So what does this have to do with the book you ask? The reason why I tell this story is because several times during the book I kept thinking back to this story and the idea that what we see is just the tip of the iceberg. Trust me, it will make as much sense as I ever seem to here in a bit.

Oh, yeah - judge books by their covers. That is important. It is how I decided to read this book. The book is a FICTIONAL account of the character Alice Lindgren. It is a chronological account of her life starting with her early years as the only child to a solidly middle class family in Wisconsin. Her childhood was unremarkable except for her love of books and attachment to her grandmother, whom lived with the family. When Alice is in high school, her and her grandmother take a trip to Chicago to visit a doctor friend of the grandmother's. I probably should have put friend in quotation marks because she is grandma's special "friend". Oh and yea, I did say "she" there. So Alice is conflicted about grandma being a lesbian though I don't know why except for the fact that it is 1962 and I don't think the razor was invented until the early 1980's but I digress. Anyway, Alice meets a boy, falls for boy, drives to a party to see said boy - runs a stop sign - hits a car - kills a person - person happens to be said boy. This chick has bad karma.

Alice is all QQ about the killing of said boy and goes to apologize to his family. It is a Sunday and said family is not home because they are good Wisconsinites and are at church. HOWEVER (you should just stop reading now) said older brother of dead boy is home. Well, yeah - home run!

Brother of dead boy is a jackass. He is not conflicted or emotionally compromised by the death of his brother - he is a sociopath. So, a couple more runs cross the plate and Alice has enough and calls it quits. Guess when the pill was invented? 1963. Guess now what "condition" Alice is in? Lesbian grandma (who is the coolest character in the whole book I must say) to the rescue and so Alice and Granny take a bus ride to Chicago again to see Dr. Wiccam (who is a OB-GYN kind of doctor) and once the anesthesia wears off, Alice is no longer in the family way.

Alice goes to school (not Princeton sadly) and gets her teaching degree. Goes back to school (not Princeton) and gets a master's degree in library science (Like Kelli S!) and she becomes a school librarian. Alice meets Charlie who DID go to Princeton (yay Princeton!) and to the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania - two of my favorite schools ever! Charlie is from a very rich family and after a whirlwind romance, they get hitched something like 8 weeks after they meet - craziness I know right!

Ok so stuff happens, time passes - Charlie drinks then she is going to leave him and he stops. He finds God - God doesn't find her and she it completely fine with this because she does not want to be found. He buys the Milwaukee Brewers then he becomes governor of the state of Wisconsin (at this point do you see the parallel to a real life story?) and then finally the President of the United States of America. Her secret threatens to get out from Dr. Wiccam who now lives in Cicero (which is not a good town by the by) and is 104 years old. Fortunately, the good doctor kicks the bucket before she can tell anyone credible and that is basically it. The end.

Oh before I forget - I really try not to have any grammatical mistakes in my blog but it does happen sometimes, usually more so than not if I have been at the cough syrup so my apologizes.

If you didn't get it, the story presented in "American Wife" is a rough outline of the life of former first lady Laura Bush. Mrs. Bush happens to be one of the most well regarded first ladies in the history of our country (coming in second to Elinor Roosevelt) which is somewhat odd since nobody seemed to like her husband.

Which brings me to my original story - not to preach or anything but too much of public opinion is based on the tip of the iceberg that we either see or are presented with. The other 90% of the truth that is underwater becomes out of sight and out of mind and therefore many decisions are very strong and polarized with incomplete and sometimes, inaccurate, information. Anyway, you should seek out the whole truth before judging - unless it is a book and you are judging it by its cover and then it is perfectly fine and you should go with God on that.

I liked the book. It was a interesting story. The character of Alice I found to be interesting but not overbearing if that makes any sense. I particularly liked what she believed in and how she handled various situations that arose throughout the course of her life. I really liked grandma. I even liked the character of Charlie - mainly because it was obvious that he was a romantic and had strong emotional ties to Alice and their family. Oh and Alice has a secret service agent assigned to her that played football for ASU (which is perfectly plausible since none of our guys ever make in into the pros)

What I didn't like: Did you read the opening story about the ASU quarterbacks? I have provided you with an outline. Now go write a story. I bet almost if not all of you reading this could take that outline and fill in the dialogue to make it into a story, play or even novel. By using First Lady Bush's life as a framework for a story, I felt the author cheated a bit in the creative writing process. It was well written, but come on - the hard work had already been done for you!

I don't think Laura Bush had an abortion but she did kill a kid from her high school in a traffic accident during her senior year (I looked it up). That was sad to learn and I felt bad for Alice and then I really felt bad for Laura Bush. She could have had an abortion, I really don't know. She is, unlike her husband, a pro-choice supporter and identifies herself as agnostic.

The other thing I did not like about this book is that the author tends of go on these flashbacks all the time which do not seem to be related to the topic at hand. Just tell the story in a linear fashion since that is how you laid it out. Seriously!

Oh a review huh - well I would have to say that I would give it a:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vroom (4 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

and of course the book got some bonus consideration for naming my three favorite schools of all time (ASU, Princeton, and Wharton)

Oh and as a side note - Curtis Sittenfeld is a girl, not a boy. I was going to go on this rant about how I do not feel that a man can bring justice to the emotions and feelings of a woman but then I found out Curtis was a girl and I dropped that whole thing.

Book #14 Completed! "One Chirstmas in Washington" by David Bercuson and Holger Herwig

Sorry - This review is not funny like my other ones. I guess I could tell a joke or something but I don't know any :( It is more of a history lesson - so learn something!

Oh wait, I did think of a joke: What does the last man on earth say when he walks into a bar? See the end for the punchline :)

It was early December 1941. The country was still in the grips of an era of isolationism that had permeated the political landscape since the end of World War I. Franklin D. Roosevelt was president and had just won at third term in office - much to the consternation of many in the country since he had broken the unwritten rule from the days of George Washington and run for more than two terms. The country, having been in the troughs of the Great Depression, was slowing recovering economically - in due part to the social programs instituted by the FDR regime and the "lend/lease" program that the United States had entered into with Great Britain and the Soviet Union. For those who are unaware - President Roosevelt had entered into an agreement with the other member countries of what would be come to known as the Allies in which the United States would produce military equipment and lend or lease this material to them in their fight against Nazi Germany. When the war was over, it was understood that those countries would return the material or payback the United States for their cost. Not everyone was on board with this plan due in large part to the general consensus of the population that what was happening in Europe was the sole business of the countries over there and that the US should not get involved (hence the era of isolationism).

On so, on a Sunday afternoon - December 7th to be exact - the leaders in Washington began to get reports of an air-raid attack on the naval base at Pearl Harbor Hawaii. As the afternoon became evening, the reports began to clarify and the world learned that Pearl Harbor had been attacked by 353 dive bombers from the Empire of Japan. The USS Arizona, USS Utah, and USS West Virginia lay at the bottom of the harbor - making a watery grave for over two thousand sailors. The Japanese had also attacked other strategic targets this same day in the Pacific rim and had effectively shown their intentions of being the dominant power in this region. The country was furious on this attack on a US naval base in a US territory (remember that Hawaii did not become a state of the union until 1959). The country clamored for war, which is exactly what Roosevelt asked of Congress the next day. True to form of being completely bat s**t crazy - Hitler declared war on the United States later in the week and it was game on for essentially the entire world. A true world war had broken out once again.

Great Britain had been at war with Germany for over 18 months to this point and were getting mopped up by the Germans. London was a regular target of German bombers and the prevailing feeling was that the United Kingdom may not be able to withstand the German onslaught without help from the United States. The only saving grace for Great Britain was that Hitler has done something infinitely stupid and turned against Stalin by attacking the Soviets - with winter coming. Somewhere in the top rules for war should be "you never engage in a land war with Russia during the winter". Stupid stupid man. Anyway, Hitler's army came within 30 miles of Moscow when the Soviets staged a counterattack - pushing the Nazi's back and inflicting heavy losses for both sides. In addition, Spain was resistant to joining the foray on one side or another which allowed the British to still have access to the Mediterranean Sea - a devastating loss if they could not. Standing in the way of the British getting the help they so desperately needed was the public opinion of the United States and the strong desire not to get involved again in something that was "Europe's business".

The attack on Pearl Harbor caused great pain and suffering for American's but privately, Winston Churchill was delighted. This meant that the United States would now have to join the war - and join it fully and completely, meaning hope for Great Britain. As soon as the news hit, he began arraigning travel (which was not as easy as hopping on the 7:25 British Air flight from London) to Washington DC in order to meet with FDR and begin the planning stages for the war. This meeting that occurred in Washington DC during the Christmas and New Year's holidays of 1941-1942 is what this book is about.

This holiday meeting became known by code name "Arcadia". I dated a girl once who went to Arcadia High School in Phoenix. That is just a random fact for your amusement. Anyway, I learned some really fun things in this book: a carton of cigarettes cost 1.29 back then, the battleship "The Duke of York" - which brought Churchill to Washington weighed 37K tons which is like 1/2 of the smallest cruise ship I have ever been on, the limo that FDR used was a bulletproof version that the Treasury department seized from Al Capone, etc. Just terribly fascinating.

Oh and FDR and Churchill were total drunks and I do like my drunks! Churchill drank with every single meal (this does include breakfast yes). He was not fond of FDR's creations because they were mixed drinks and Churchill liked his booze: "uncontaminated with non-alcohol ingredients". Why you ask was this meeting important? Well, to this point the British had been fighting for almost two years and came with the intention of the United States acting as some sort of supplier of men and equipment with full intentions of taking the lead role in the war. FDR and General George Marshall (of the Marshall plan fame of the reconstruction of post war Europe) had other plans. They wanted a unified command for the war effort that had the United States in a lead role. After much consternation, the British relented and the United States became the major player in the planning and execution of the war - a monumental shift in global politics which marked the end of the rule of the British empire and the beginning of US dominance in world affairs. Furthermore, out of this meeting was the development of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff and the framework for the United Nations. For those of an economics persuasion - this was to global politics much as Brettonwoods had been to economic theory.

The authors do a fantastic job of putting the reader into the story and one really gets the feeling of being there and experiencing the emotions: anger, mistrust, and finally cooperation that occurs among the Americans and the British. The characters are brought to life and one can easily see themselves sitting in the corner of the executive office watching FDR pour orange blossoms, smoking his cigarette while Churchill puffed on a Cuban cigar and complained about it not being straight scotch whiskey. It is a terribly fascinating and well put together glimpse into a slice of the past. As such, this book gets:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vro (3 1/2 Vroom's on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness"

"Drink, I'd like another bartender please" - OK its not that funny but you are not that funny either so :P

Book #13 Completed! "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde

First a brief interlude if you will....

So softball season starts in earnest here shortly. My thoughts have been preoccupied with this as our team has much to work on. Over the last three seasons we have successfully embarrassed ourselves and shamed our families by posting records of: 3 wins/11 losses, 3 wins/11 losses, and the coup de grâce season of 1 win/11 losses and a near all out brawl between members of our own team.

Now fair being fair, some of our stellar record I am sure is part my fault. See, I pitch for the team. The first season, even though it is recreational league slow pitch, some members of the other team like to make you throw strikes and if you don't, they are perfectly content to take walk after walk. Throwing a ball underhand that cannot be less than 6 feet off the ground and no more than 12 feet off the ground from 50 feet away and having to hit a target something like 13 inches wide by 23 inches long is more challenging than it sounds. That or I just suck. Add in the fact we play the spring and summer seasons when at night it is a comfortable 105 degrees on average and the whole thing is pretty challenging - or at least it is for me.

So I walked quite a few people in the first season and of course we lost. The second season and beyond I have gotten better at not walking batters but we have two other major issues as a team - we can't bat nor can we field. There was a game last season where literally every person in the field (including me) made an error sans the catcher - all in one inning. Sadly, we even practice for two months before the season starts.

So I have devised a plan. A grand plan that is sure to turn fortune in our favor and stem the bleeding that is our overall record. What is my plan you ask? Well, it's simple - I plan on hitting a home run that breaks the scoreboard this year.

No seriously, stop laughing - this is my plan. I figure that the scoreboard (which resides in left field) is about 10 feet beyond the outfield fence and is elevated about 10-15 feet. The outfield fence from home plate is about 305 feet. Accounting for my height and whatnot, I figure a batted ball needs to travel approximately 316 feet. Now I figure once I hit said home run and bust up the scoreboard, the team will be exponentially motivated and happy and play better. Furthermore, without the scoreboard working - we can't even tell if we are winning or how much we are losing by and that is a huge benefit in itself. Now, I just need to devise a scheme where I actually can hit the ball that far since the best I have done is the middle of the outfield so far....hmmm

Oh yeah the book. "The Picture of Dorian Gray" was written by Oscar Wilde in 1890. This is the only book that Wilde published, as he was rather fond of writing plays and poetry (which of course made him famous). Now, fair being fair - I have to admit that the extent of my knowledge of Dorian Gray was from watching "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" and how this guy could not die. I gathered, contextually, that whatever bad things happened to him - it affected the painting of him and not his physical body. So I saw this and decided to give it a test drive.

It actually is an awesome book. Now, there are some parts where you just want to put an ice pick through your head or use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate how you could hit a 12 inch softball into a scorecard, but for the most part it is clever and damn amusing. The book opens with two friends, Basil and Lord Henry, talking about nothing in particular as they often did. Basil was a painter and Lord Henry was, well a Lord and had perfected the art of doing absolutely nothing. Basil was to paint that afternoon a sitting of a boy he had met named Dorian Gray. Obvious from the start that Basil is the positive moral conscience in the book and Lord Henry represents a darker force. As I continued through the book I would equate the relationship between Basil and Lord Henry as that of God vs. Lucifer or in other terms - the angel and devil on opposite shoulders telling one what to do. Enter Dorian Gray and both are enraptured in his physical beauty. Basil paints a picture of Dorian and when he is completed, all of the men are astounded by it's beauty. Dorian, being pretty and knowing that he is, states that the painting is remarkable and he wishes that he would stay like that forever and the painting be the one to bear the burden of age and illness. Guess what happens then????

So the story continues and Dorian gets older and more and more involved in things that he shouldn't. He is running about town with "loose" women, visiting opium dens, being a jackass in general, etc. His image in the painting gets older and more harrowed looking for each indiscretion he indulges in. He falls in love with a two bit actress at a slummy theatre and when he takes his friends to see her - she absolutely bombs. Dorian is furious and embarrassed, which causes him to tell her about how bad of an actress she must be and breaks off the engagement. Apparently this means she HAD to kill herself because the boy she had been seeing for two weeks and didn't like her anymore. From there it is just a downward spiral of bad actions and Dorian justifying his actions in his mind until things get out of control - he murders Basil, kind of loses his mind, and stabs the painting - which ends up killing his actual body.

But that is not what I want to talk about - I want to talk about Lord Henry. This guy is hilarious! I would drink and do nothing all day with this charming fellow. Here are some snippets of his wit and wisdom from the book:

• There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about
• The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.
• There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written
• It is only the intellectually lost who never argue.
• It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.
• I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.
• I can sympathize with everything, except suffering

These are just some of his quotes from the first half of the book. In addition, he is not insufferably British and complains about them all the time - to the chagrin of his friends. This could be because Oscar Wilde was Irish and all of that drama.

Ok so for a rating. If it were just a book about Lord Henry, it would have gotten five Vroom's because he is damn funny to me. As such, overall I give the book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vroom (4 out of 5 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #12 Completed! "The Curious Case of Benjimin Button" by F. Scott Fitzgerard

I am so behind on book reviews. There will be three this weekend because that is how many I finished during the week but have not had the time to write the blog posts. My apologies!

So a little bit of a back story for my fabulous readers who don't know. I had to go through a six week training class recently. Oddly it coincided with the start of this reading adventure. Sadly, the training program was not that well put together and really there was about 30 minutes of actual work to do in a day and about 7 1/2 hours of free time. Unfortunately, cell phone service is sketchy at best in the training room and there is no internet connection on the computers so there was really nothing to do. Well, reading was an allowable activity and given the lack of other acceptable choices I bit the bullet and started reading (and detailing the accounts of my adventures in literature on this blog).

Well, training is done and it is back to regular work. Now the cool thing is I do not have to interact with people very much so one of the benefits is that I can listen to my IPOD all day. The down side is that I can't read at work anymore since they APPARENTLY don't pay me to do that. What to do in this moral quandary. I came up with this brilliant idea that I could listen to books on tape and that would be just as good.

Well, maybe. See when this plan was discussed I was advised that listening to audiobooks is cheating. I disagree and I will tell you why (because I know you wanted to know right?). Studies (legitimate one's done by actual researchers, not some crap I threw together to get a grade) have found that the average person remembers 10% of what they read and 20% of what they hear. Immediately I am 100% better than before! I assume, not being some complete snob about reading, is that the point is for you to remember what you read right? As long as the audiobook is unabridged I assume it would be fine (that means they say all the words that were in the actual book for those who needed a little help there). Furthermore, I think that it is not cheating the whole reading plan and since it is my blog and my reading plan I get to make the rules. Therefore, unabridged audiobooks do count and they are 100% better than regular books. So there! :p

Anyway, the first audiobook was a test run and I went with a rather short book. "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was actually a short story written by F. Scott Fitzgerald that appeared in the longer book "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and other Tales of the Jazz Age", which was his 1922 follow-up to his blockbuster first book "This Side of Paradise" (and if you don't know that book, you have not been reading by blog and you fail at life). ANYWAY...the story is set in Baltimore during the time directly preceding the Civil War where Mr. and Mrs. Button are expecting their first child and low and behold she delivers a baby who is, in fact, a 70 year old man. Yes, he ages in reverse. The failing of the story is I wanted to know how in the hell did Mrs. Button give birth to a full grown man. This is never explained. I mean, if she were like 14 feet tall and weighed 900 lbs then maybe I guess. I suppose the reader would have to go with my bigfoot version of the mom since none is given by Fitzgerald. Take my word for it - she was 14 feet tall and 900 lbs. Maybe not 900 because the food in any story I have read that is set before 1950 sounds incredibly crappy so let's say she was 500 lbs and add in 150 for the "baby" so that is 650. We will go with that.

Ok so he starts as a 70 year old man and he ages backward. Stuff happens like he is a hero during the Spanish American War, tries to get into Yale but they laugh him out due to his age (I guess that either he had it coming for trying to go to Yale instead of Princeton or they just did not have a strong adult reentry program at that time). And it progresses until he is a just a baby and dies. The end.

It was an OK story/book/whatever. I understand that some B list actor was in a movie adaptation of the story recently. I wonder if I was right about the mom being an amazon woman. If anyone saw that movie and they explained it you should tell me. So I give the book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vro (2 1/2 "Vroom's" on my motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Reviews Due: "A Christmas in Washington" and "The Picture of Dorian Gray"

Working on: "American Wife: A Novel"

An adventure in books, a slight diatribe, and other ramblings...

Me and Anne Rice

Kind of a slow reading week. Unfortunately the week was pretty jam packed with things to do thus there are no new book reviews to discuss. Instead, I thought I would give you some of the highlights from the week.....

Sunday: Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday and I did not feel well. As such, instead of heading out to Mike and Melinda's annual party, we crashed at home and watched the game. I do enjoy football and was happy that it was on but I really could not have cared which team won. Having said that, I was very excited to see the Black Eyed Peas perform during halftime as they are one of my favorite bands of all time. Their performance was hindered by the obvious audio problems the stadium was having and the fact they were trying to do a medley of 10 years of songs in 30 seconds bits so though it was not the best show in the world, it still was pretty good in my opinion. Sadly, the internet folks and others I spoke to during the week did not feel the same way and thought it was awful. They are wrong and it is sad that they don't know that they are wrong. Bad taste is such a problem in our country and people should seek help about that issue.

Monday: Bumming rides to and from work (again) because the truck decided to break on Friday (again) and it was at the mechanic (again). Fun times

Tuesday: See Monday because it was pretty much the same as Monday, but on a Tuesday

Wednesday: YAY Truck is fixed finally! I was so happy. I wanted to drive and drive in celebration however gas is now a dollar more than the price of gold so I refrained from that plan. Seriously, why didn't we just keep Iraq? Oh and it was the season premiere for "Justified" on FX - perhaps my favorite show ever. Why you ask? Well, that's easy - because I want to be a US Marshall and shoot people. This is why I would make a bad cop. Let me give some examples:

Suspect runs away from me: He's getting shot
Suspect will not answer questions: He is getting shot in the leg until he talks
Suspect has an attitude: He is getting shot until his attitude improves or he dies
Suspect lies to me: He gets shot
Suspect is ugly: He gets shot
Gun runs out of bullets: Suspect gets pistol whipped until desired behavior is obtained. The exception is if he runs and gun is out of bullets. He'll probably get a away in this case.
Anyway, you should watch "Justified". It's on FX. You all have cable so you have no reason not to. Plus if it gets canceled because no one is watching it, I may have to go become a cop to fill out my free time.

Thursday: Still happy truck was revived from the dead. It's getting warmer out and I have to now seriously consider the possibility that I am going to have to do yard work in the very near future. Stupid global warming! Other than that, nothing really happened per se.

And then there was Friday which began my literature adventure!

Prior to that however, I spent 3 hours grading scholarship essays for the national MENSA scholarship program. I volunteered for this so I cannot complain however I will say that most students are not very original or interesting. This scholarship program is open to any student, in any program, enrolled in any accredited post-secondary degree program. I would highly suggest that if you are in school or know someone who is in college that you check it out next year. It is a pretty easy essay (500 words) and, like I said, the competition is not that difficult.

So there is a local bookstore in Tempe that has been there for like 40 years. It is called "Changing Hands Bookstore" and they are those hippie, anti-corporate types who think that Wal-Mart and Barnes & Noble are the worst institutions ever invented. They probably even support their local libraries. Anyway, despite the fact that they are communists, they do have a pretty good in with national authors. On Friday, they had the Queen Vampire herself signing books: Anne Rice! Yeah of course I went! I got there at 6 and did not get home until ten but I did get the following books signed (first editions of course because I am a snob):

Taltos
Blackwood Farm
Blood Canticle
Of Love and Evil

I even have pictures to share! Take a look:

After 4 hours I was determined to take a picture that I was almost at the front of the line in case she died or something. Actually after standing for four hours, I would have made her sign the books anyway

Me and Anne Rice - She was so cool. I would have been a complete ass if I had to sign books for four hours but she was happy and nice even at 10 o'clock at night

Furthermore, there was a video shot by one of Anne Rice's assistants of the book signing event. It is quite boring (mainly because I am not in it) but here is the link for your viewing pleasure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtJnq6o5UuQ

Like I said, fun times and I am very happy that I got the opportunity to attend.

Saturday: Saturday started off by having to go deliver and haggle over the MENSA scholarship with the other members of the scholarship committee. Oddly, that went pretty smooth except for the fact it was up in North Phoenix. The advantage to this was that I got out early enough to stop by the VSNA book sale. VSNA stands for Volunteer Non-Profit Service Association and this is their big fundraiser for the year. All through the valley there are drop box containers for people to drop off their unwanted books and once a year (for the past 55 years in fact), VSNA holds a big sale of the books collected at the state fairgrounds. I have never attended this event but it is a huge deal for people who like to read and whatnot. I got to the fairgrounds and good God almighty it was packed with people! Here is a picture of the line to get in:

If I had to estimate I would say that there were at least 1000 people in line to get in. Good thing was that they were letting 250 people in at a time (I counted) every 10 minutes or so therefore it went pretty quick. Here are a few shots of the chaos once you got inside:


As you can see the place is jam packed with people. A lot carrying actual luggage (which I thought "oh how nice that they packed for their trip to Hell"). Anyway, it was a madhouse! They have a bazillion books, most of which were hardcover books (a lot first editions and some signed by the authors), and all on the dirt cheap - which is just my price point!

So, I got some books for the kids and I picked up two books about outdoor projects - you know the kind that you see at Home Depot and you look at but no one ever buys. They were two bucks each and I have quite a few of overdue building projects so it was a good deal. I also found a first edition of a Jimmy Buffett book that I had to have for one dollar. Then I went to the rare and unusual section...

The rare and unusual section is where they put the really old, expensive, and special books at. Since these are all donations, it is kind of hit or miss I would guess on what they have from one year to the next. I walked through and really did not see anything that awesome until I found it. "It" in this case is a 1922 copy of "This Side of Paradise" by F. Scott Fitzgerald in near perfect condition. Pages are completely undamaged, corners on the cover are not rounded, Spine is in exceptional condition for being 90 years old. Here are some pictures:

Sorry the image is not great on this one. It is the publishing page that shows it was published in April 1922.

Of course, the MBA in me wanted to know how much it was worth. Best guess that I based on internet comparables is about 500 dollars. Nice right? Even better still is that...

I paid 8 dollars for it.

Keeper!

Anyway, that was the week. Hopefully there is an actual book review before the end of next week. Go Team!

Book #11 completed! "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss

Ok so this was a "borrowed" book. Eleven books into this adventure and I still don't completely understand why people read for "fun". As such, I am trying to branch out and hit different genre's to see if something catches my interest for the long term. The first role of the dice in into the "sci-fi fantasy" realm. Now with any well written article (not that I am saying my reviews are "well written" but you are the sucker that is reading them so haha to you) a writer tends to acknowledge their own personal biases as to let the reader know that there may be some slant to their story. Mine in this case (outside of the lack of understanding of why people read when they don't have to) is "Gentlemen Broncos".

Yeah, I know - you probably are thinking "what the Hell is he talking about now" right? Ok, so I am bored one night and I go to Blockbuster to see if they have any interesting movies. On a side note, yes I still use Blockbuster and not Netflix because I refuse to plan ahead as much as movies by mail requires. Anyway...so I'm at Blockbuster and there is this film called "Gentlemen Broncos"
, which is not porn for further clarification. It was made by the people who directed "Napoleon Dynamite". Now, I was not a huge fan of Napoleon Dynamite when I first saw it but it turned out to be one of those movies that you think are stupid but you end up quoting it to your friends, family, and co-workers all the next week. Given that experience, I figured I would give "Gentlemen Broncos" a try. The story's premise deals with the cut throat world of science fiction fantasy writing and people stealing each other's ideas, bad (and usually self illustrated) cover art, and a lot of just general dorkiness. I suppose I should not have expected much more from the people who brought us "Napoleon Dynamite". Ergo, I thought the movie was stupid but I keep referencing it whenever the topic of sci-fi fantasy comes up. Shocker I know....

So I see the cover to "The Name of the Wind", with the absolutely ridiculous drawing of the main character Kvothe on it, and IMMEDIATELY my mind goes racing to that movie. And it's a long book too (think Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire long for a reference) and I am sure that this is going to either be absolutely miserable or so far out in left field that I am going to write pages and pages bagging on it. Turns out, I was wrong. Now this has only happened once or twice before (me being wrong) so it's kind of a big deal.

Like I said, I really liked this book but I need to point out some of the lesser points first, mainly because that is how I roll. First off, the copy I have is a first edition hardback and has the ridiculous drawing on the front of Kvothe. Do you remember back in the day when grade school made you put a book cover on your textbooks and a lot of people used brown grocery bags to do this? I so wanted to make my own "book protector", which would have really been protecting me from feeling like a total....I guess a total "Gentlemen Bronco" lol.

Second, the story has a lot of similarities to Harry Potter. I did not pick up on it right away but about half way through the book I kept thinking "this is just like Harry Potter". I hope the author guy does not get sued or whatnot because he is obviously a copier. Well, fair being fair, I probably have to say that it might be my slanted opinion based on the "Gentlemen Broncos" movies that is causing these kinds of thoughts. But oh well, it's my damn book review so :P

Ok, those were my two biggest faults of the book. Outside of that I think it is a really great book. It deals with the story of Kvothe, who is a legend and hero in this fantasy land. During the course of the book, Kvothe recants the story of his life to a scribe who will be writing a sort of biography about him. He starts with his childhood where he traveled with his parents in an acting troupe. From this he learns to act, play instruments, about people in general, etc. The troupe picks up a guy who becomes Kvothe's mentor and teaches him about science and magic. Then parents get killed, he is homeless and gets out of that by going to.....a school for magic. It's not really just a school for magic but that is taught there. He meets people, falls for a girl, loses girl, explores the underground passages and caverns that cover the university grounds (sound like "Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone" yet?-and yes I know that is the British title for the book tyvm), gets in trouble for using magic, saves people, finds same girl, loses same girl, finds her again-you get the point.

Now this is the author's first book and it is extremely well written. He put a lot of time and thought into creating this fantasy world that Kvothe lives in and there are no obvious or disjointed sections as you would expect to see in such a ambitious project. It was one of those books that I wanted to finish in one sitting, much like that of the "Harry Potter" series. I have come to find out that this is supposed to be book one of a trilogy and the next book is expected to be out this year. I definitely will read the second book.

Oh and in my research I found out that they fixed the ugly cover! Check out the new one (as it is a New York Times best seller and all):

Picture was supposed to go here but I don't know what I am doing so it is at the top. You get the point.

Ok so for the official review, I give said book:

Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, Vroom (4 out of 5 Vroom's on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness)

Book #10 (Yes that's right "TEN") Completed! "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max

In honor of getting to my tenth book completed for the year, I find it fitting that this would be the book that we celebrated with on this milestone of reading excellence. The author, Tucker Max is a writer who graduated from the University of Chicago and went on to complete his JD degree from Duke University. For those who are not academically inclined, these are two pretty damn good schools so the boy is not necessarily a complete moron, thus giving me hope for this book.

Hope is what started me into the pages of this book. It is a collection of autobiographical stories Tucker Max has put together over several years and has chronicled on his website tuckermax.com. These are, what I would guess, the most popular or funniest stories from his website. Ok fair...I'll go along. Anyway, Tucker is a complete and utter megalomaniac and thinks of no one but himself (I found this to be a fairly redeeming quality starting out), drinks like a fish, and is more often than not going home with a different girl for every day of the week. Again, this all sounded very promising!

When I started the book, it was drop dead hilarious to me. I especially enjoyed his story about the first time he went to Las Vegas. I laughed and laughed. Mit thought I was crazy! It really was just that funny to me. And my dear God his drinking exploits and the college days stories are just amazing. It was definitely on the road to getting five "vroom's" on the rating scale.

But a funny thing happened about the midpoint of the book....it became sad. The material was not sad and the stories were all still the same but it became more and more apparent that Tucker Max was not this really awesome guy that it would be cool to hang out with but rather someone you would probably hate in the first 15 minutes of meeting him. Yes he can drink a lot and yes he is popular with women, but by his own admission the women who are into him must have emotional problems because he is such an a**hole. I began to feel sorry for the people who he affected by his childish antics and pity him because it really seemed that he was looking for something in himself that he could not find and therefore was filling the void with booze and girls.

I really don't know. I finished the book in such a "wow your life sounds cool on the surface but it really sucks" kind of mood. The book is horribly objectifying to women so I don't know if that is a selling point or a breaking point for you. I assume that probably has something to do with what gender you are. Also, if you are offendable, this is not the book for you. "You don't believe all of that Mother's Against Drunk Driving propaganda do you..." is a direct quote from the book where he is insulting some innocent guy at a hockey game.

Do you remember, for like the 5 minutes of time back in the 1990's, when it was popular to hear those tapes that people made of prank phone calls? Yeah if your name is Bobbby Jo and you distill your own corn liquor then you probably think those are still funny but for the rest of the world, that had it's time and place and it was quickly throw aside. "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" is pretty much the same as that.

I will say however I very likely will read his next book "A**hole's finish first". I thumbed threw a copy at Barnes and Noble during the holidays and it seemed very funny and this is why when I saw this book at the Goodwill I thought I would give it a shot. I know, I am a hypocrite.

So I give this book:

Vroom, Vroom, VRo (2 1/2 "Vroom's" on the motorcycle scale of awesomeness).

Next up - the review you probably read before this of "The Name of the Wind"